


Change Once in a While

by Everybody_Loves_Chocolate



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Confessions, Depression, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee Are Best Friends, Love Confessions, M/M, Reference To Suicidal Thoughts, References to Depression, Some Plot, Suicidal Thoughts, im tempted to tag fluff but i dont think it qualifies as such, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:00:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25226452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everybody_Loves_Chocolate/pseuds/Everybody_Loves_Chocolate
Summary: The silence isn’t awkward or uncomfortable but it doesn’t feel like a silence to break either.Mark is the one who speaks up first.“I want to die.”Normally Donghyuck would've laughed and said 'Same'. Normally Donghyuck wouldn't have given it a second thought but Mark seemed different today.Something about the way he said it, looking up at the ceiling and totally unprompted, made Donghyuck believe that he actually meant it this time.Or: Donghyuck wants to confess his feelings of love to Mark but instead he gets a revelation of Mark's most vulnerable thoughts and feelings.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 8
Kudos: 118





	Change Once in a While

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo.....part of this has been in my notes for almost four months and today as I was working on another one of my fics I was like 'how about... I stop working on this one... and do another one?' so here we are. 
> 
> I've projected a few of my own thoughts and feelings onto Mark for this fic to deal with shit because unlike Mark I don't talk to others about it. Instead I write fanfiction. Anyways, enough ranting. I hope you enjoy :)

Donghyuck looks in the rear view mirror, picking at his hair and double checking his make up. It wasn’t too bright but not too subtle either. Today is the day. Today he is going to confess his feelings to Mark.

It’s their weekly hangout night, just the two of them without any of their other friends, and Donghyuck thought it would be the setting both he and Mark would be the most comfortable in. Donghyuck gets out of his car after five minutes of hyping himself up and goes up to Mark’s house or, well, Mark’s family’s house.

He puts a hand on the door knob and tries to calm his breathing. It isn’t anything he hasn’t thought about before, confessing to his best friend, but it’s still a bit scary.

“Donghyuck, what are you doing outside? You’re going to freeze your ass off!”

Donghyuck turns to find Mark’s sister walking up to him, carrying two big bags and he scrambles to take them from her. She laughs, thanks him and invites him in with a warm smile on her face. It doesn’t do much to ease his nerves but he remembers that nothing too bad will happen if Mark doesn’t reciprocate his feelings.

They might be awkward for a few weeks but Mark’s family loves Donghyuck too much to let him disappear from their life. Donghyuck wants to put off the confession for as long as possible so he offers Mark’s sister to help with the groceries but she just laughs again and sends him off with a “Mark’s in the basement already, I don’t think he’ll stay sane much longer if you don’t show up soon.”

So Donghyuck slowly makes his way towards the stairs and then descends them at a speed he would cuss at others for. Mark sits on the big couch with his phone in his hand. The TV is very quietly playing the bee movie and Donghyuck rolls his eyes before hopping down the rest of the stairs.

No matter the outcome Mark is still his goofy best friend and that’s never going to change, at least Donghyuck hopes so.

“What’s up loser?” Donghyuck greets Mark and flops down on his lap. Mark doesn’t even acknowledge him and instead keeps doing whatever he was doing on his phone. Donghyuck raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment further. Normally Mark would have reacted in one way or another. It was weird for him to not even make a sound.

Donghyuck leans back a bit to peer at his best friend’s face and finds the expression he dislikes the most. It’s the one that meant that Mark was closed off from the world, barely taking in anything around him. It happens from time to time and both Donghyuck and Mark have come to terms with it but Donghyuck still dislikes it.

He dislikes the way it makes Mark so distant and unresponsive but he supposes there was nothing to do against it. So he turns off the TV, he doesn’t know how long Mark has been like that and he wasn’t going to watch the bee movie by himself. Gently and carefully Donghyuck takes Mark’s phone out of his hand and puts it on the small coffee table before making himself comfortable next to his best friend and looking at his own phone.

He doesn’t have to wait for long until Mark returns to him. Mark’s fingers twitch and his eyes look alive again. He turns his head and Donghyuck watches as he blinks before a small smile slowly makes its way onto his face.

“Hyuckie! How long have you been waiting for me?” he asks and Donghyuck shrugs. He didn’t look at the time and, frankly, he doesn’t care. Before Donghyuck can open his mouth Mark raises a hand and blinks at him again.

“Can we move over to the bed? I feel kind of tired.”

Donghyuck only nods and then trails after Mark. They head over to the bed in the corner that once stood in Mark’s bedroom but was deemed uncool by a twelve year old Mark and moved into the basement. It’s a pretty big bed. Mark and Donghyuck had always fit into it together and so they both lie down on it. Neither of them say anything after that.

Donghyuck can’t find it in himself to speak. Something is different today. The atmosphere seems a bit sombre, too serious for Donghyuck to voice his feelings for Mark. And so they lie beside each other, silent. The silence isn’t awkward or uncomfortable but it doesn’t feel like a silence to break either.

Mark is the one who speaks up first.

“I want to die.”

Normally Donghyuck would've laughed and said 'Same'. Normally Donghyuck wouldn't have given it a second thought but Mark seemed different today.

Something about the way he said it, looking up at the ceiling and totally unprompted, made Donghyuck believe that he actually meant it this time.

"What makes you say that?" Donghyuck asks, genuinely interested.

Mark just shrugs, glances at Donghyuck and then looks back at the ceiling.

"I don't know. Normally it was just a feeling of not wanting to live in this world anymore, you know? Like, just vanishing," he says and Donghyuck understands so he nods and turns his body to get a better look at the boy beside him.

"And I started thinking along the lines of 'I want to die' but more with the other meaning. When it got overwhelming and I actually started thinking it at random times, not just while having an existential crisis, I had to remind myself why I shouldn't.

"I can't do that to my family. I have to finish my homework. People-" Mark clenches his jaw and Donghyuck clenches his.

Donghyuck glides his hand over Marks chest and stomach once, slowly, to remind him to breath.

"People will miss me if I die," Mark finishes and it's silent for a few seconds.

"And I realized none of those thoughts were about me. About my wellbeing. I thought about everyone else but never about myself.

"And I started to think about my life. I know I have a lot others don't have. I have a loving family, friends, good grades and options for the future. I don't get bullied and there's something to eat for dinner every day."

Mark takes a deep breath.

"But I don't have me. I don't get me. I don't get my life. I don't get why- how- I don't--- Do I really deserve all that?"

And Donghyuck gets it. He does. He's just never experienced it that heavily before and he's extremely grateful for that. Donghyuck carefully slides over to Mark, tentative fingers asking for permission to touch and Mark clenches his jaw again before nodding.

While Donghyuck busies himself with tracing shapes on Mark's neck, his chest, his stomach, rubbing a thumb along his jawline or carding his hand through his hair Mark continues.

"I don't know if it's depression. It seems a bit too tame for that. Other people's depression... it looks... a lot more burdening."

Mark grabs Donghyuck's hand that isn't busy touching him.

"I know- of course I know that it's different for everyone. That it could be. But I don't-" Mark clenches his jaw again and Donghyuck furrows his brows, moving his hand up from Mark’s shoulder to his jaw to ease it back again.

Mark turns to look at him, eyes vulnerable, and swallows hard before he asks his question.

"Should I talk to someone professional about it?"

Donghyuck doesn't know. It's not his choice to make. So he neither nods nor shakes his head. He doesn't even shrug. Simply answers "If you think it might help you. I think they'd even gladly listen to you even if you're not depressed. But that's not my choice and you know it."

Before Mark can clench his jaw again Donghyuck puts his free hand on the side of his face.

"Do what you think is right Mark hyung. If it's talking to a professional do that. If it's not, don't. I don't mind listening to you. But I also can't give you any advice hyung. Not really."

And Donghyuck is a bit remorseful. He feels like coming to this meeting with the intention of confessing invalidated Mark’s feelings a bit. Of course it didn’t but Donghyuck can’t help but notice the difference between what the both of them think about.

While Donghyuck was nervous about something as trivial as confessing his feelings Mark was contemplating his life.

They don’t talk about it again after that. Their hangout night continued on with them playing games after Mark gathered enough energy to do so and Donghyuck slept over like he always does. It ended without him telling Mark how he feels.

In school Mark behaves like he normally does. Donghyuck doesn’t know why he thought any different. Mark’s concerns didn’t suddenly surface last Friday when he told Donghyuck about them. Yet it still baffles Donghyuck just how normal Mark seems.

Now that Donghyuck knows a bit of what Mark feels and thinks he keeps looking for signs of it, keeps looking for something like weak moments but they don’t come. Mark still seems like a happy go lucky person, still seems like he doesn’t have a care in the world.

He catches Donghyuck staring at him once and sends him the softest smile. Donghyuck’s heart does back flips and he diverts his eyes, instead choosing to continue picking at his food.

Later that day, when Donghyuck sits under the desk where he does all his thinking sessions he thinks back to their kindergarten days. Back then neither he nor Mark even knew what the word depression meant. They didn’t have any worries, at least not ones as big as they were now.

Under his desk Donghyuck becomes aware that both he and Mark have grown up quite a bit. While Donghyuck may not have depression or want to die he has problems he doesn’t discuss with anyone, instead opting to solve them himself by crawling under his desk at 2 am. Mark and he both changed.

Donghyuck guesses it’s kind of inevitable. Nobody can grow older and not change, nobody can stay as ignorant, as carefree, as a child no matter how hard they may try. But just because it’s inevitable doesn’t mean Donghyuck likes it.

Change means taking away something Donghyuck knows and putting something else there, something unfamiliar Donghyuck will have to learn all over again.

Donghyuck crawls out from under his desk then. He doesn’t want to keep thinking about change.

Nothing happens for the next two weeks. Mark doesn’t talk about anything out of the ordinary when they watch movies on Friday night and Donghyuck doesn’t pry. In school everything is the same as always except for rats ‘accidentally’ being set loose in biology class which results in the whole school building being evacuated for the remainder of the day.

On that day Donghyuck thinks about confessing his feelings to Mark again. He couldn’t help but feel like he should hurry up. Mark’s a senior. He is not going to be around for much longer if he decides to go to some college far far away and moving out of his parent’s house.

As much as Donghyuck doesn’t want to get rejected he also doesn’t want to keep bottling up his feelings. He’s done that for long enough now. So when it’s Friday again Donghyuck gets ready to confess his feeling for real this time. However, as always things are easier said than done and he just can’t seem to find a good timing. Mark and he play some games before eating dinner with Mark’s whole family and then moving down into the basement again. They watch two and a half movies before Mark decides it’s too boring and drags Donghyuck with him to the bed.

Now they’re lying beside each other again and Donghyuck is staring at his phone, on the verge of googling ‘how long is too long to be silent when you actually want to confess your feelings to your best friend’ when Mark is the one to break the silence again.

"I talked to someone."

Donghyuck looks up from his phone and stares at Mark.

It feels a bit like déjà vu. Mark's staring at the ceiling and Donghyuck is staring at him. He realises he doesn't mind this. Doesn’t mind the inevitable change that occurs over the years. As long as they were still true to themselves Donghyuck found he doesn’t mind changing a bit.

"And?" he prompts Mark to continue.

"You were right."

Mark turns and threads a hand through Donghyuck's hair.

"She listened to me even when I didn't know if I had depression or anything like that. She said it helped to talk about it no matter what."

His hand falls from Donghyuck's hair to his face, caressing it, tracing patterns.

Donghyuck smiles at Mark.

"I love you."

It wasn’t exactly how he had pictured his confession to go but Donghyuck supposes it’s out now and he can’t take it back.

Mark’s fingers on Donghyuck’s face don’t cease their caressing and the boy attached only hums and gives Donghyuck a lazy smile.

"And how long have you been wanting to say that?” he asks and Donghyuck can barely stop himself from gasping in an offended manner. This is the most important moment in his entire life and Mark doesn’t even have the decency to grace him with an answer?

Donghyuck only huffs and pouts while rolling over, facing the wall instead of Mark, refusing to answer that question.

Behind him Mark chuckles and shuffles closer until Donghyuck can feel a tentative arm circling his waist. Mark’s breath is warm down Donghyuck’s neck as the older nuzzles his face into the back of Donghyuck’s head.

“I love you too Hyuck. Have ever since you wore that pretty butterfly earring I gave you.”

Donghyuck blanches. Mark had given him that earring more than three years ago and Donghyuck distinctly remembers putting it in on that same day. Slowly he turns over to look at Mark again and finds nothing but gentleness and adoration in the eyes of the boy he’s been in love with for maybe a year. Sure, he’s liked him longer than that but liking and loving someone are different things.

“Why did you never say anything?” Donghyuck asks and Mark shrugs as best as he can. A grin that seems a bit strained appears and disappears again in a matter of seconds.

“Maybe I’ve had those other thoughts longer than I’ve loved you. And maybe they prevented me from expressing my feelings.”

This time it’s Donghyuck who hums and lifts his hand to caress the other’s face. Maybe the changes happened sooner than Donghyuck would ever have been able to guess.

“Well, now you can express your feelings.”

Mark smiles at that and leans in, but instead of kissing Donghyuck like he’d expected him to, he puts their foreheads together.

“As long as you’re patient with me.”

Donghyuck sighs softly and lets his hand wander to the back of Mark’s head, softly petting his hair.

“I’ll always be patient with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> It was a bit of a challenge for me to write this in present tense but I felt like it fit this more than my usual past tense so if you find anything that doesn't make sense with the tense just tell me and I'll fix it :)


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